Anxious

My heart is racing, my breath is agitated, my chest feels heavy, my hands are shaking, my stomach feels sick, my vision is blurry, my mind is dissociated from wherever it is I’m standing right now.

I can’t breathe. I can’t see.

I’m dizzy.

There are too many things going on in my head; there are too many thoughts; there’s too little time.

A thousand feelings and memories and troubles hit me at once and I’m overwhelmed, yet I can’t bring myself to feel anything but numb. But at the same time I can also feel everything that could possibly be felt. I can’t comprehend.

Too many voices are around me right now–too many for my liking.

I’m usually okay with closed spaces but right now it’s closing in on me.

I’m walking, but I can’t feel it; now I’m sitting down, but I can’t feel it; now I’m writing, but I can’t feel it; now I’m talking, but I can’t hear it.

I didn’t sleep. Is it that? But this has happened before. Or has it? I can’t remember.

My thought process is messy, but my mind is set on all the things I have to do.

Procrastination. Hopelessness. No future for you. Right? I don’t know anymore.

My mom is texting me to just breathe and think of something nice.

Gee, thanks, never thought of that.

I can’t get it out of my head—I can’t get the numbness out.

I need a therapist. Or do I need enlightenment?

I don’t know.

I need to breathe, but I can’t.

I can’t feel me. Or can I?

Photo credits to: theheartysoul

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In the end, we’re all made of stardust

Sometimes, the universe, or God, or whomever or whatever it may be that controls our fate, decides there isn’t enough chaos in our life, so it stirs some problems up in its magic caldron and throws it out in the open, hitting us in the face with it. It’s a great experience, really, but it’s also annoying. I understand that problems and hardships are a natural factor in life and are inevitable and necessary for us to flourish into better people, but that doesn’t make them any more tedious. Continue reading “In the end, we’re all made of stardust”

Hopeless: A Series of Sleep-deprived Karla’s Thoughts

When I was a kid, I had no trouble doing all my work perfectly and on time; now it feels like I’m living on the edge–under the sword of Damocles. Now it feels like I can’t do anything right. Nowadays, work from school and stress from thinking about the future cloud my head and I can’t live peacefully anymore. Continue reading “Hopeless: A Series of Sleep-deprived Karla’s Thoughts”

When I need you

It was December 23, 2003 when I came,

and, then, only ten days after, you left,

And from that time I should’ve known

That it would always stay the same.

Years came and we got closer

But then you got another family.

I always knew you were a poser

But it still hurt to see you happily.

Fifteen years have gone by

And I can’t help but realize:

You’d never sing me a lullaby

And yet I loved you without thinking twice.

When I think of it, with me

I sympathize

Because that love I thought you for me had

Feels like nothing but a lie.

Years came and we got closer

And you’d still claim a lot from me,

And even though you never call me

I still became your devotee.

We went different ways,

But I still loved you;

We become different people,

But I still missed you.

Life brought us back together

And I thought it would be for good

But everything stayed like always

(Probably the way it always should).

And then my fifteenth party arrived

And you made it your second option.

That day I realized you’re never there.

You’re never there when I need you.

An Awaited Birthday

It’s exactly 11:30pm when I glance at the top of my phone where it indicates the current time. Only thirty more minutes.

The time has finally come. I’ve been waiting for this moment since I was four and my family has been anticipating it with equal excitement since I was born. It’s a lot to take in.

Turning fifteen won’t be an easy thing. Why you ask? Because it changes everything. Continue reading “An Awaited Birthday”

I live in fear

Despite hearing the constant cries for help that come out of so many children, teenagers, and even adults’ mouths, it appears no one can hear them.
So many lives have been lost this year alone that it’s atrocious.
Despite us asking for such simple changes in our government, more guns are being handed out in silver platters to children, heartless people and worse.
At this point in my life, I can’t go on with my day without hearing on the news a report about a school shooting; Continue reading “I live in fear”

I am my hands

I am my hands. As I gaze upon these two vital parts of my body whose importance and valuable assistance in my daily life I often give for granted, I contemplate the overwhelming and numerous thoughts that seem to emerge as I keep looking at them.

I can almost tell my whole life’s story just by looking at them. Starting from my long and hairy-knuckled (which I’m honestly not very proud of) fingers; one of them in which lies the precious gold and black ring that my mother bestowed onto me about a year ago. Continue reading “I am my hands”

All the wonderful things to be thankful for

It’s been a few days since Thanksgiving occurred and I keep wondering why it was chosen by people to make this the one day a year in which they sit down to think about what they’re thankful for. I mean, you get 365 —or 366, it depends— days a year, and you really only pick one to sit down and thank whoever or whatever you want, when there are endless things that we can and should be grateful for every single day of our lives? Continue reading “All the wonderful things to be thankful for”

Music Turned Into Writing: I don’t want to be you anymore

I’ve always wanted to be the star of the show. It might sound narcissistic but, honestly, being the main focus of everything always felt really good and right—like it was meant to be for me. Growing up I had everything to make it possible for me to stand out: the personality, the charisma, what my teachers called the ‘spark’, the talents, the easygoing nature, etc. So, it was never hard for me to fit in anywhere and always have massive crowds of people after or with me at all times. Continue reading “Music Turned Into Writing: I don’t want to be you anymore”

Tiny

Can you see me? Are you even aware I’m here? Because it feels like you aren’t.

Do you even know my name, my passions, my story? So why judge me already?

I feel tiny under your strict gaze, which from time to time shifts to a softer one, but then it all just goes back to how it was before.

It’s sad feeling tiny and useless.

It’s sad feeling like this all the time. Continue reading “Tiny”