Anxious

My heart is racing, my breath is agitated, my chest feels heavy, my hands are shaking, my stomach feels sick, my vision is blurry, my mind is dissociated from wherever it is I’m standing right now.

I can’t breathe. I can’t see.

I’m dizzy.

There are too many things going on in my head; there are too many thoughts; there’s too little time.

A thousand feelings and memories and troubles hit me at once and I’m overwhelmed, yet I can’t bring myself to feel anything but numb. But at the same time I can also feel everything that could possibly be felt. I can’t comprehend.

Too many voices are around me right now–too many for my liking.

I’m usually okay with closed spaces but right now it’s closing in on me.

I’m walking, but I can’t feel it; now I’m sitting down, but I can’t feel it; now I’m writing, but I can’t feel it; now I’m talking, but I can’t hear it.

I didn’t sleep. Is it that? But this has happened before. Or has it? I can’t remember.

My thought process is messy, but my mind is set on all the things I have to do.

Procrastination. Hopelessness. No future for you. Right? I don’t know anymore.

My mom is texting me to just breathe and think of something nice.

Gee, thanks, never thought of that.

I can’t get it out of my head—I can’t get the numbness out.

I need a therapist. Or do I need enlightenment?

I don’t know.

I need to breathe, but I can’t.

I can’t feel me. Or can I?

Photo credits to: theheartysoul

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A Name Fit for a Strong Woman?

My entire life I’ve been extremely proud of my name–all of it. I can’t tell precisely if it’s because of the fact that my name rolled so beautifully off my mother’s tongue that I fell in love with it or because I grew up in a Cuban family that was always proud of their things. At a young age, I became accustomed to and honored of the name Karla de la Caridad Pérez Ortiz Bello Rivero. Continue reading “A Name Fit for a Strong Woman?”

To my mother

She was the light I saw

When I first opened my eyes.

 

She was the one who took me

In her arms

And taught me how to live

And how to love

And how to die.

 

She’s the one who gave me comfort

When I cried for the first time;

The one who dried my tears

When I felt alone at night.

 

She’s the only one who has seen me–

Her eyes as bright and clear

As the greatest shining star–

And loved me for who I truly am.

 

Her touch, gentle and feminine,

Opened the gates to my heart

And saw what was hidden inside.

 

She is my only one true love,

The one for who I would die.

And in honor of her heart

I’ll always keep her in mine.

 

 

I decided to post this today in honor of International Women’s Day. Enjoy!

Family pt2

I have mentioned before how my mother went to university, but it is an overstatement to say that her accomplishing that was easy or normal in her family; she was the very first one to attend this higher level of education and actually finish it; and she did so with nearly perfect scores, coming in third place from her entire school of thousands of students. Getting her degree was intense, though: the 1980s were not good years to earn a degree in Cuba. The year in which my mother graduated high school and started applying for university, Cuba was in need of teachers all over the country. My mother was very excited about university and having put medicine—specifically a neurologist—as her first choice in what she wanted to study in made her proud. But the Cuban government had other plans, so she was forced into studying to become an English teacher the next four years of her life. Her biggest support during this difficult time was her grandmother, who had always supported her in anything she accomplished, and who told Irisbel that if she didn’t finish her major despite her hatred towards it, she would never finish anything else in her life because, as she used to say: “all that is started must be finished if you seek success in your life.”
Continue reading “Family pt2”

Family

At an early age (only 2 years old), Irisbel Ortiz Rivero started showing her clear, prominent trait of persistence. It was a fiery summer day in Cuba, and Iris had just arrived from a long car ride that had taken her from Camagüey to La Havana. The entire trip—which had been a long 5 hours in the least—riled up Irisbel’s growing desire to visit Coppelia, a place which was known throughout the country for its amazing ice cream. Since many people liked to have something to refresh themselves with under the hot and unforgiving sun, no one really questioned people who traveled several states just to get a taste of the Cuban delicacy that was Coppelia.
Continue reading “Family”

Hopeless: A Series of Sleep-deprived Karla’s Thoughts

When I was a kid, I had no trouble doing all my work perfectly and on time; now it feels like I’m living on the edge–under the sword of Damocles. Now it feels like I can’t do anything right. Nowadays, work from school and stress from thinking about the future cloud my head and I can’t live peacefully anymore. Continue reading “Hopeless: A Series of Sleep-deprived Karla’s Thoughts”

When I need you

It was December 23, 2003 when I came,

and, then, only ten days after, you left,

And from that time I should’ve known

That it would always stay the same.

Years came and we got closer

But then you got another family.

I always knew you were a poser

But it still hurt to see you happily.

Fifteen years have gone by

And I can’t help but realize:

You’d never sing me a lullaby

And yet I loved you without thinking twice.

When I think of it, with me

I sympathize

Because that love I thought you for me had

Feels like nothing but a lie.

Years came and we got closer

And you’d still claim a lot from me,

And even though you never call me

I still became your devotee.

We went different ways,

But I still loved you;

We become different people,

But I still missed you.

Life brought us back together

And I thought it would be for good

But everything stayed like always

(Probably the way it always should).

And then my fifteenth party arrived

And you made it your second option.

That day I realized you’re never there.

You’re never there when I need you.