Hopeless: A Series of Sleep-deprived Karla’s Thoughts

When I was a kid, I had no trouble doing all my work perfectly and on time; now it feels like I’m living on the edge–under the sword of Damocles. Now it feels like I can’t do anything right. Nowadays, work from school and stress from thinking about the future cloud my head and I can’t live peacefully anymore.

And it’s not even that it’s too much work, sometimes I feel like it’s due to my lack of motivation to continue anything. I’m tired of my work being overlooked or not good enough all the time, and I feel so stupid admitting that because I sound like a whiny kid begging for attention, and honestly, I don’t know if it’s acceptable of me to feel like this–but then again, I never feel like it’s acceptable for me to feel anything other than good emotions (and sometimes not even those are acceptable.)

I’m stressed out because I still haven’t even figured out what I want to do with my life, and many people tell me it’s fine to not know yet because I’m young, but the years are passing by faster and faster every day and the desperation I feel when I think about my future is too overwhelming for me to realize that maybe I really do have time left to figure myself out.

I’m tired of giving up at everything I do.

My mother once told me what her grandmother had told her once when she was about to give up on her college career: “If you don’t finish this one thing, you will continue doing the same with everything you do, and you will never truly finish anything in your life.” But even when I think about what she said and how right she is, I still feel hopeless.

Some days I wake up and I immediately feel ready to take on the world and finally get my life together and try to go back to my old ways, but my unwillingness to do it and my own soul resisting to get better drags me back down to where I started and I begin to feel even worse than how I started.

I still don’t know what I’m doing or what I will do or why I did what I did in the past that has led me to where I currently am–I don’t understand it. But I guess I’ll soon figure it out, right?

We’ll see.

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