I’ve always wanted to be the star of the show. It might sound narcissistic but, honestly, being the main focus of everything always felt really good and right—like it was meant to be for me. Growing up I had everything to make it possible for me to stand out: the personality, the charisma, what my teachers called the ‘spark’, the talents, the easygoing nature, etc. So, it was never hard for me to fit in anywhere and always have massive crowds of people after or with me at all times.
This all changed after I turned twelve. I became a quiet, sensitive, less friendly child. And I hated myself for allowing such a drastic switch. My new style of life completely reshaped me and took away almost all essence of who I used to be. It was devastating. And other people were noticing.
“You’ve changed for worse.”
“I miss the old Karla.”
“You didn’t use to be this cold.”
“What happened to the fun, loving girl I used to know?”
As if I didn’t already ask or tell myself all of that. I still haven’t found myself again yet, and it kills me that it has been so hard to fully go back to myself back again when it wasn’t hard at all to shift into who I am at the moment.
School didn’t help much either. Used to always being #1 in class and get tons of stickers and diplomas and trophies and praises and important roles for my great doings, the hardest thing I ever had to do was give all of those things up when I came to this country. I went from practically being the most confident, outgoing person in the world to becoming a nobody that is nearly irrelevant in her everyday life. It was like I was suddenly stripped of all my important titles and spotlight and forced into the new lifestyle. And I still haven’t recovered at all.
What did happen to the fun, loving girl I used to know?
I don’t wanna be you anymore.